I showed him my bush... on skype.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Randomize
