When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
