Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize
