I got chris browned last night
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
