that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
