Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Randomize
