I faked an abortion last night.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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