all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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