Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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