Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
