Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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