I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize
