You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
There's always time for handjobs
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Randomize
