i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
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