theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
