She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
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