He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Randomize
