so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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