True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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