How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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