peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
