I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize