Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
