Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
Randomize
