I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Randomize
