my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Randomize
