If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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