whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
When are your genitals available?
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
