I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
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