Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
