the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
