when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Randomize
