My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
