Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
