need another drink. this is the easiest way
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
