Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
Randomize
