That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
