I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
