Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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