This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
