Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
Randomize
