I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
i need some magic done to my vagina
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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