You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Randomize
