DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Randomize
