His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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