Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
oh god the rape fog is back!
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
i need some magic done to my vagina
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
