zippers are such a cool invention
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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