Only a mothe r could love this liver
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I will pee on everything he values.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
