So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
