I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Randomize
