call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Randomize
