using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
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