Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
This beer is not sobering me up at all
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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