I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
There's always time for handjobs
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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